Sunday, December 20, 2015

The many meanings of horns

The Many Meanings of Horns

Stay in your lane! Coming through. Oh, baby! Fuck off. 18! And I know what I want. It is okay for me to drive on the wrong side because I am going to the temple. Watch out! I am a human being. Asshole! Don't pull out. Side! Don't you dare. This motorcycle is blessed with magical powers protecting its rider from death by DTC bus. Old man on a Chetak! Hot girl, I compel you to look at me. Jackass! Sorry. Can't you see I have a my pregnant wife-a baby-my elderly mother-my elderly father-my elderly grandmother-my elderly grandfather-all my elderly and/or infantile relatives in my care/on my Chetak scooter? Not sorry, Motherfucker. I ran over seven people just like you last night. Vive la Revolution! I'll kill you, bastard. Chutiya. I don't care if you are going to temple! I will only be driving on the wrong side for a few seconds. I am turning right from the far left lane. Bhenchod. I want to go straight but I am in the turn lane. Ambulance! NSUI rules! I am the driver of a very important person who is going to a very important meeting the significance of which will forever elude me but I do not want to get fired. BJP rules! Why do nice girls hate me? Don't stop in the middle of the road! I am letting out my pregnant wife-a baby-my elderly mother-my elderly father-my elderly grandmother-my elderly grandfather-all my elderly and/or infantile relatives, asshole. I hate Dinesh Mohan. Hot girl, you are even hotter because you are riding a pink Scooty. FUUUCKKKKK! I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore. Are you trying to kill me? Hot girl, you are crushing my soul. I hate Sheila Dikshit. Legless man, you are going to get yourself killed if you don't gimp out of the intersection before the light turns green. Legless man, I feel your pain but I have no change. Legless man, I am not convinced you did not cut off your own legs to ensure a long and prosperous life as a legless beggar. Congress rules! That tin pot with a little oil in the bottom is not helping to convince me! I am pulling over to get some of that pink stuff the Sikhs are giving away because it is free and it is my god-given right to break all traffic laws to get free stuff. I hate Narendra Modi. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I WILL NOT ONLY THINK ABOUT IT, I WILL DO IT, ASSHOLE. Why do I even live here? This road is for motorized vehicles only. AVBP rules! This DTC bus will crush your dented Maruti Swift like a bug and I have no control over where it is going because it is a speeding missile running out of control toward the general vicinity of the bus stop. You almost killed me. I hate Rahul Gandhi. Nothing will happen. Adjust. Mataji, please do not lie in the turn lane lazily swishing flies with your tail. I AM LATE FOR WORK. Don't worry, I am a professional. Dickhead! We are going to-coming from-celebrating Bunty and Deepti's wedding! Gujjar boy-Jat boy-Punjabi boy in the house. I hate Arvind Kejriwal. Go! Kya, yaar? Your car is on fire. You dropped your dupatta back there. Hot girl, you should not be out after dark without at least three male relatives. Auntieji on a Chetak! Mercedes-BMW-Porsche-Audi first. The light is green. I am like that only. I am taking my son-daughter-boss's son-boss's daughter to the board exams. That pink stuff the Sikhs are giving away free is no excuse to stop in the middle of the road. It's free! Legless man, I have told you a million times you're going to get yourself killed. Contortionist-girl-putting-yourself-through-a-small-wire-hoop-over-and-over-again, you're going to get killed as well and anyway I consider that activity to be child labor. Are you looking at me? The light was red! Are you blind? Am I invisible? Your fault! Why do you even live here anyway?

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